Things were going well for us. We picked up our house hunt again after having taken a break since the fire. I was excited to be looking at listings and daydream about our future. After going back and forth a few times, Drew and I decided to write an offer for a little house in Random Lake, my hometown. I never thought I would ever move back to my hometown but after the fire, I realized how safe I felt there. The day after Thanksgiving we wrote our offer and then went about our day to run errand. Two hours after meeting with the realtor, we got a phone call saying that our offer had been accepted. We were so excited!
December was filled with preparing for yet another move. My mom graduated with her second Master’s degree and I hosted a party for her so that everyone could see our apartment before we moved out. On December 23rd, Drew got his puppy that he had wanted since the day we had started looking at houses. Tonka, our black lab/German short hair mix, joined our family and Bella wasn’t too thrilled. For Christmas that year, we got a bunch of Home Depot gift cards for our new home. For New Year’s Eve, we went to dinner with some friends at Applebee’s and then headed to a party that our friends, Joel and Ali, hosted every year. Two hours into the party, Drew got sick and decided to head home. He told me to stay at the party and have fun, so I did, hoping that he would feel better and come back before midnight. At 11:30, I realized that Drew probably wasn’t going to make it back and I got really sad. The second half of 2007 had been so hard on us; it was just so ironic that New Year’s Eve had turned into a disaster. I was upset, but felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders when 2008 rolled around. It was a fresh start. 2008 was going to be a GREAT year. I got home at 3am, after celebrating the holiday with friends and walked in to Drew lying on the floor in the bathroom. He looked terrible and the whole apartment smelled bad. With the little energy he had left, he told me that he couldn’t even remember how many times he had thrown up and that he couldn’t hold anything down – not even water.
The next morning, on New Year’s Day, Drew was still throwing up. He had not gone to the bathroom and he had not eaten anything. I got scared and called the doctor and he told me to take Drew to the hospital right away to get some fluids pumped into his system. He was admitted right away and ultimately diagnosed with food poisoning. I was relieved that it was nothing too serious but sad that we were starting off the new year in the ER. Two bags of fluid later and Drew was discharged.
On the morning of January 31, 2008 we closed on our very first home. All was good in the world. Our nights and weekends were now consumed with DIY projects. Finally, my life was filled with GOOD stress. Everything was under control. As the snow started to melt, we started to spend more time outside and finally got to meet our neighbors. Just like me, they were both hometown natives. I was thrilled to see that I actually knew them because they were only 5-7 years older and as a middle schooler, I remembered seeing them in the high school and at sporting events. Life was swell and meeting the neighbors solidified that for me.
In August 2008, Drew decided that after six years of doing masonry he was ready for a change. His step-dad got him a job as a Machine Shop Helper. The only opening was on third shift, but I learned to adjust to the new schedule. I was just happy that Drew was happy and learning new skills while also making more money.
On Sunday, October 19th Drew and I were having a lazy day. We had gone out the night before with some friends so we were both tired. We spent the day watching football and lounging on the couch. Drew and I had silenced our cell phones the night before so that we could sleep in but had forgotten to turn the volume back up when we woke up. As Drew was preparing for work, he finally noticed that our phones were silenced and that we had both missed a bunch of calls from my mom and sisters. Drew called my mom back and got the news that my dad was in ICU at the hospital because they thought he had a heart attack. She didn’t go into much detail, but told us to get there asap. Since Drew had to work that night, and since he was still a very new employee, he told me to go alone. So, just like I did when I got news of our fire, I had to somehow drive myself, a total wreck, all the way to the hospital with little knowledge about my dad. I remember walking, almost running, through the parking lot to get to the reception desk. When I had to tell the lady who I was looking for, I was shaking so bad that she could barely understand me. I think I had to repeat myself a few times before she fully understood me. When I got to my dad’s room, in the ICU, he was not in there and his bed was gone. My mom and my sisters were just hanging out and talking. My first thought was that my dad was gone, forever. I never had the opportunity to say good bye or to tell him that I loved him one last time. I was frozen in the doorway. My mom started approaching me and told me that everything was fine. My dad was in surgery and that he did not have a heart attack, but came very close to. I cried – but it was tears of relief. A few hours later, my dad was wheeled back to his room. That had done a catherization and inserted a stent into one of his arteries. It was late and my mom was exhausted. I let her go home to rest and spent the night in the hospital with my dad in the most uncomfortable recliner ever. The next morning, my mom and sister, Heidi, returned. I fed my dad breakfast and then he got lectured by the surgeon, his doctor and the nutritionist about eating less fatty foods and to quit smoking. My dad is stubborn, so I don’t think he listened much. He was more concerned with arguing about how many pills they want him to take for the rest of his life. I knew then, that everything would be ok. My dad was acting like his normal self again. Also, during that morning, my sister, Romy, called my dad’s room to announce that she had taken a pregnancy test the night before and it was positive. I was so happy for her, but at the same time a bit angry that she chose to make the announcement after such a scary day and I was also a bit jealous since I wanted to be in her shoes. Since we had bought our house, I felt that starting a family was the next step but it just wasn’t working out that easily for us.
On December 18th, 2008 Drew got notice that he was being temporarily laid off at work due to the slowing economy. He was paid through January 5th and then started to collect unemployment. We were hopeful that the layoff was not permanent and assumed that within a few months he would be working again. So, with that state of mind, Drew did not take his job search too seriously. He liked what he was doing and figured it was a waste of time for him to apply for another job. Well, we could not have been more wrong. June was quickly approaching and Drew’s unemployment benefit was quickly coming to an end. At the last minute he started to scramble for a job. Luckily, his friend had just started a new job with his uncle’s company and he was looking for more help. Drew was hired a few days later and began his new venture mid-June.
Over the six months that Drew was unemployed, my stress level increased at a very rapid rate. Bills could not get paid, or were paid late. I was in fear that everything we had worked so hard for was again at risk of being taken away from us by something that was once again out of our control. I also had an underlying fear of something traumatic happening at home again because Drew was home every single day. I think I started to resent him. I was mad that I had to get up every day and go to work and he could do whatever he wanted. He didn’t help out around the house as much as I would have liked him to and I frequently came home after a long day to a cluttered house and dirty dishes. On top of all that, Drew’s attitude started to change. It was a huge blow to his ego to once again not be able to take care of his family (me and the pets). We argued a lot which added even more to my stress level. I was not sleeping well and would wake up some mornings feeling groggier than normal and extremely confused. It took a few minutes for me to figure out where I was.
I finally went to the doctor to get checked out because I was scared that something was seriously wrong with me. The blood test results indicated that I had Vitamin D deficiency so I started taking supplements. My follow-up appointment was three months later in September and I had more blood work done. Everything came back normal and that’s when the doctor labeled me with PTSD. As soon as those words came out of his mouth, I knew it. I had known all along that the fire was my biggest issue. The doctor was going to prescribe me Cymbalta, even though I told him I would not take any drugs for mental health. I suggested seeing a psychologist and he agreed.
Here I am. I am ready to face this head on. I am no longer going to waste my energy burying my fears – it’s time to move on with my life.
“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
- E.M. Forster
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